just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
