My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
