Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
