The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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