I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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