this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
