So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
