when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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