i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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