So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize