I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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