I can text with my tongue
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
