Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
