I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we're making bets on your personal life
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
