Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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