this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
