On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
