hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
