I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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