Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
