remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
