i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
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your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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