I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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