So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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