I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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