You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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