I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
