I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
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