my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
