He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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