I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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