I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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