so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
