i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
