i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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