I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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