You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
