I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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