walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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