Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
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is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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