Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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