he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
