I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
