my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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