He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
