Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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