How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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