WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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