Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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