Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
