The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
