My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
