God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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