how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
