That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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