i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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