I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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